Well sort of…
I have this… well, I ever so lovingly call it a curse. I have no idea if this happens to anyone else, but no one seems to talk about it, not to me at least. But quite a few guys that seems to show/feign interest in me… We talk, he flirts and I attempt to flirt back (seriously, I’m pretty bad at it.) We meet up, hang out a few times… No, sex isn’t involved. This goes on for a few months. Then ~*~POOF~*~ they’re gone. Disappear into nothingness. They’re still alive, you see them on Facebook, or Instagram, or whatever social media your on. Sure they may say hi, or hi back if you send a message. But it’s not how it was. It’s cold, and so I think okay. Whatever, move on. Well in reality, I’m left wondering wtf? Then I dwell on it… Maybe I got the signals wrong? Maybe we’re just friends and he was just being nice. He didn’t like me like that. THEN I finally move on lol. but then at that point, of me moving on, and no longer thinking about all the stuff that I might have done to have them no longer show interest, they come back. As if nothing has happened. Like those 2-3 (on average) months hasn’t happened. That everything was like it was.
For example:
I talked to this guy since I was 16 (I’m 32 now.) We met back when yahoo messenger chat rooms were still cool, and up and running. He’s the same age as me, so him being 16… He was kind of, well gross lol. It being online chat.. and me being just this nerdy teenager that needed something to do. So I would go into the chat room, and just randomly talk to strangers, about random things. Not many stuck around to keep talking with me when I turned them down after them asking if I wanted to “go on cam”… code for naughty things on cam lol. However, this guy… despite me turning him down… on several occasions… he kept talking to me. We actually talked about random things. I’m not so good at asking questions, because to me, if people want me to know things about themselves, they would tell me. That’s not how it works, I know… But I still pretty much practice this theory. I’m getting a little better at it. Sometimes I blurt out questions, feel bad, but they usually answer. ANYWAYS back to the story. I knew little more about him every time we chatted. I started to crush on him, so naturally I ran away from him. I deleted him from my messenger friends list, just so I wouldn’t see if he was online and have a mini heart attack wondering if he’s going to pop up and say hi. *side note, I’m still this nerdy and weird lol*
Eventually we met in person. I think I was about 22? We met at a gathering in his hometown. I was there with my friend, and he realized I was in his hometown, so asked to meet at the gathering. He met, my friend stuck around just to be safe. When the speakers were finished my friend went to bed, we were camping. So me and the guy were talking until the lights were shut off on us. So we went to his pick up, and spoke some more there. We made out, fell asleep in his truck… lol had my friend worried about me like crazy because my phone died. So in the morning I woke up early, then went to see my friend in the tent. She was freaked out, that I couldn’t get in touch with her. But I ended up just sleeping in the tent more, because it’s an uncomfortable sleep, in a truck, next to a guy. Before that, I’ve never slept near a guy. (again, a time for another post maybe, but I was still a virgin at this time.) I didn’t know if I should go back, but apparently I should have. I did tell him I wasn’t coming back… at least I think I did. But as soon as I found a power source to plug my phone in, I got a message from him saying he was leaving and that he wished my phone was charged. I felt pretty bad. We left the next day, and I sent a message saying we were leaving. I guess he wanted to try to see me again, but it didn’t happen.
Skip to a few years later. I was in college. He came to town with his family. He asked me if I wanted to hang out. I said okay, after me thinking it wasn’t going to happen, because it took 3 hours before we actually met up. We met at Denny’s, I didn’t know it was at the hotel he was staying in. We had pop in the restaurant. His cousin came down and wanted the room key. I didn’t want to say hi, because I had (sometimes still do have) this fear of embarrassing people. It’s a self-conscious and lack of confidence thing. I mean I don’t consider myself to be good looking… But now I’m accepting that some people may like the way I look… although confusing, I still accept it lol. So we just talked in the Denny’s for a few hours. I was kind of confused because he kept looking at our waitress. So I thought meh. I left, he had to pick his sister up I think. Then he texted me and said he wanted to take me to the room, but then his cousin came and too the room key… Then he hinted about me and him hanging out, clubbing or him coming to where I was living. 1st of all… I do not get hints, until it’s way too late. 2nd of all… I don’t really go clubbing, I feel so awkward in there because I’m not much of a dancer, and I don’t drink. and 3rdly, I was boarding with a family, and 1 of their rules was that I wouldn’t have “overnight guests” lol If you know what I mean. Of course I could’ve broken that rule, but again.. I didn’t get the hint. And again, at that time I was still a virgin, and was freaked out about someone wanting to come over to my place.. I mean that freak out was after I had figured out he was hinting to me. He had texted a couple months after that. I didn’t have his number in my cell, so a “hey sexy” I automatically thought it was a wrong number. So I asked who it was, he explained, and I said oh… well I don’t know who would be texting/calling me sexy… He responded, well I would everyday. I don’t remember what I responded with.. or if I even responded. But the next day through Facebook, he’s in a relationship. so WTF was that about? lol I thought it was odd how he was calling me sexy and stuff the day before he decides to announce to the world he has a girlfriend.
Skip to a year later, we are talking again. He tells me that 1 of the reasons he and his girlfriend broke up, was because I would comment on his pictures or statuses, or like them on Facebook. I would, but it’s not like I was hitting on him. I was genuinely liking them because I thought they were either good or funny pictures/statuses. Nonetheless, I felt so bad. I send a response telling him I was so sorry, that I never meant it like that, and how bad I felt. Then we didn’t talk for a while.
We would talk every now and then, he would flirt… He would want to meet up, but it usually was at a time I was traveling or working, or I was in a relationship(? I’m not entirely sure what that was with that guy… again, another post lol)
I met up with him again at the same gathering we first met at. I was camping, he came over, and I almost met his mom. I was freaking out because I didn’t want to, I avoided it at all costs. But I mean people saw us together, it was his hometown. I don’t know if anyone knew about me or asked who I was. He’s related to everyone in his hometown. Well seems like it lol. But we had sex in my freezing cold tent. He kept me warm all night. I was happy. Someone keeping me warm, like for real, is awesome to me. I get cold very easily.
So last year, we both happened to be in the same city. So he suggested going to a movie. I said yes. We ended up fooling around, then he suggests getting a room. We did. I was there for a week long conference with my coworker, so my hotel wasn’t a go. We had amazing sex. For me, amazing sex is when I’m just intrigued mentally and emotionally to a person. I can’t have sex, just for sex. I mean I can, but it’s not the same thing to me. Call me crazy, but it is what it is. I had to take off early the next morning to pick up my coworker for the conference. It was crazy, and unplanned for me. After that I hadn’t heard from him, for a long time. I would see him on Facebook, but it’s usually in passing scrolls of him commenting on pretty girl’s pictures, which didn’t make me jealous, it made me more insecure.
Eventually I took a leap and told him, I wanted to see him. I would drive up to his town, and we could do whatever he wanted. Because every time we got together it was for whatever I wanted to do. So I drove. It was about a 5 hour drive. Well 6 because I procrastinated 1/2 way there. I began to freak and needed to stop and reevaluate what I was doing lol. Then I kept going. The weekend to me was a bust. It was like, I shouldn’t have went. We hung out in my motel room. Ate at like subway or A&W… Watched a movie. I paid for everything. And while we were out, it was like I felt like a big dirty secret. But at the same time I didn’t want anyone to see him with me, because again.. that scary thought of embarrassing him. I over-think waaaayyy too much. While we were in my hotel room, we’d watch tv… talk. What stood out for me the most, was how much he bragged about how many girls he’s tried hitting on, and failing. The few he has hit on and worked, how pretty/beautiful they were. And how he was approached by these 2 aspiring models, twins, to be in their calendar with him. I have no idea if this is true or not, but daaang. A good way to get rid of me is to talk about how many other beautiful girls you’re hitting on. I mean, it’s less painful just to tell me to go away. I left despaired. I thought it was stupid of me to waste my time and money on that. Then afterwards I hadn’t heard from, for a very long time.
So me feeling like a complete loser, I decided to just give up on him. I was still attracted to him, both physically, and intellectually. That’s very rare for me. I mean I find a lot of people attractive, but without mental stimulation it’s not much for me. So as days, and weeks went by, I just felt stupid. He would post on Facebook, and he would be in my top chatted list. So he just kept showing up when I didn’t want to see him. I unfollowed and blocked him from chat list… except he was STILL. THERE. So in my frustrated, lost in my stupid thoughts moment. The best idea for me was to delete him… It went well. He wasn’t there for about a month. Out of sight and out of mind. I was moving on, interested in someone else (who turned out to be my failed FWB.) Then of course. He pops up.
I get a message on Facebook,
I mean it’s like.. I was just moving on, and he comes back trying to say stuff.. AND WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH “I’m not even confident I deserve you”… I hate that. That happens to me a lot. What does that even mean?
Just too damn sexy
So things like that happen to me ALL. THE. TIME! I don’t get what I’m doing wrong? I mean even with the FWB guy, I quit seeing him beginning of Summer, and figured I’d never hear from him again. He pops up last month? And the guy I may or may not have been in a relationship. We “broke up” and a year later, he pops back up saying he misses me.. blah blah blah. Then he finds someone else. Then again, year later… I miss you blah blah blah.. Pops up. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG to make them leave… I mean there’s that lame saying, “if you love them let them go, if they come back they’re yours…” So what does it mean when they keep leaving and keep coming back?
My random thoughts 
[…] guy and I were talking. We, knew each other since we were 16. I think I mentioned him before, in Moving On … tent guy lol. But anyways we were joking around, and he mentioned he was going to be dipnet […]
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