Holidays

I really dislike new year’s eve. Why? Because I discover just how alone I am. For the most part I’m great by myself. I like being by myself. There are few moments I absolutely despise being alone. N.Y.E and valentine’s day seem to be about couples, or trying to be couples.well it seems like to me.

I don’t drink, and I am awkward around large groups of people, so I don’t go out. I also don’t want to be that person at the party hugging the walls trying to find people I know and be their shadow. I also don’t want to be the loser people feel sorry for and feel the need to talk to me.

Christmas is considered to be the time for families, and we do that. N.Y.E we are on our own. My parents are usually out playing bingo, my brother, no idea… out with his friends. My friends… out being social butterflies. So I am usually at home. With my so-called ex. We were supposed to head out together last year??. I got stood up. But hey, I guess there was a reason, you know… him having a gf and living with her. I didn’t know at the time that I was the other girl… but now I always think of this and beat myself up over it, amongst other depressing thoughts including n.y.e.

This week was really hard for me. Everything seemed to hit very close to home. I havent written about this, but I feel like I took a huge step backward in my pitiful life. I could no longer afford living in my apartment,  work’s financial problems looming, I decided to move back in with my parents. Not that I’m not a loser enough, but to add “I live with my parents” to my weirdo resume. Yay. So now I hear people say, oh that loser who lives with their parent. They don’t even have a bf… you don’t need to listen to them (this was not referring to me, just in passing.) Another in passing moment, I asked my brother, who also moved home recently, where some of my stuff was. It was buried way underneath the stairs. I got mad, asked why. He replies “I just thought I’d push to the back, because well you’ll never move out again.” Just twist that knife in…. I hate my life sometimes. I hate this time of year, with just me, myself and I, with my horrible thoughts.

Happy new year to you… just because I am a debbie downer, doesn’t mean I don’t mean it for you.

Regression

It’s almost as if he could hear my thoughts. For a flitting moment, I thought of my so-called ex. I’m not sure why I thought of him, or what I thought of. I guess he just popped up… but a few days after, he sent me a text. An abbreviation… imu.

I was disturbed, upset, and disappointed. For 1, I have a samsung galaxy s4, and it has a nifty function of adding number to spam, so it would not show you, until you go into your spam box… I thought I added his number to the spam list. I had the number wrong. 2nd why! Why did he miss me? Did he just break up with someone and coming back to be for comfort or validation?

So that’s exactly what I texted him. I questioned him, I argued him. But I gave in and told him I had feelings for him still, but what was I to do? Say I love you too, and sit here like a fool, while he goes on to fuck anyone he wants, whenever some pretty girl gives him the eye? If things were reversed you wouldn’t be easy to forgive!

So in my stupidity, as usual, I tried distracting myself by another guy. I texted my fwb… however just as I had thought, he deleted my contact information,  as I did to his info. But me, I kept a screenshot. Lol it was a horrible thing, so I tried to cover it up by saying–I gues this isn’t ____ — he says no, so I apologize, and said if you could forget all about this, lol because he asked who I was, I didn’t say it was me. Lol I thought that would be that. Nope. Few days later, he asks who I was. Determined to find out, so I tell him it’s me. So we ended up talking more… 1 thing lead to another… yup. Idiot.

Valentine’s Day

Spoiling myself

I’ve never done Valentine’s Day… I mean, back in what… elementary school we’d all have to buy cards and make the little envelopes to put all our awesome valentines cards. I was the weird girl… The 1 that only got the cards from the ones who gave cards to everyone in class.. I was also the one who gave a valentine to everyone in class too.

I never really understood the whole Valentine day thing. I mean to me I think it’s a weird thing to have someone lavish presents, and chocolates to your bf, gf, SO (significant other), crush, secret admirer on 1 day. The pressure! lol but at the same time, I secretly long for that secret admirer to secretly put a card, or chocolates or a flower on my desk (locker, or whatever there was at my age at the time.) But that will never happen because

1. I do not have said secret admirer (that I know of lol)
2. I do not have a crush, bf, or SO

Maybe one day I can be one of those couplings that singles hate on valentine’s day. lol I know I was and sometimes am 1 of those singles that hate you couples on valentine’s day. I usually stay indoors.

Funny story. While living in Vancouver and being on POF I was talking to this great guy. We decided to meet up, and both of our days off was on a Monday. That also happened to be on Valentine’s day. lol I quickly said, wait.. is that cliché? We don’t have to, we can go another day. But we ended up meeting up at a Starbucks near the lonsdale quay (lol in naivety thought it was pronounced “qu-ay” not “key” lol derp.) We talked for awhile, I got cold. Then we spoke about sushi, and how I’ve never had it before. We decided to hit up a sushi place close-by… I hated it lol.  I tried what everyone tells me to try first, a California roll. I gagged, and did something you probably shouldn’t do with someone you’ve just met (besides try sushi for the first time.) I spat it out in my napkin. I did have 1 of his spicy tuna rolls, that I enjoyed. However sushi isn’t very satisfying for me. I gave him the rest of my rolls.. bleh. He was a nice guy. We went out quite a bit after that, surprisingly lol. Eventually though, I just thought we were only friends. It didn’t seem like he liked me that way, and I was perfectly fine with being just friends with him. Earlier this year though, I found out he did like me… and I guess we were sorta dating (not exclusively… not on my part for sure, I don’t know about him.) He’s with another girl who seems super nice.. and they’re probably super nice together, lol they are those disgustingly pda facebook couples for sure… hate those people.