So recently I moved, so my morning drives into work is about 30-45 minutes to myself. I enjoy these drives. I can have peace and quiet (home life isn’t so quiet lol I live with a bunch of social people. Weird I know :P)
During these drives, I get to blast the tunes, sing along horribly to my play list or the radio, and also ponder about my life. This is a good thing for the most part. Some times I make my own self cry. Boo… I am my own worst enemy.
Today’s thought started out with, I’m glad I started writing this blog. It has helped me to cope with what was going on in my life. I usually write things down in my… I like to call it a journal. Don’t you dare say I have a diary.. that makes me think of a pre-teen girl laying on a pink encased room full of fluffy pink fuzzy pillows and a fluff thing at the end of a pen lol. Technically though, it’s more of a diary. Anyways… I started this blog because I thought maybe I can hear some feedback from people (I haven’t yet, but maybe lol *hint hint*), But mostly so I can get things off my mind and heart, and it has helped me a lot. I was in a sad state, not going to lie, I guess I was depressed. I was eating my feelings, gaining weight which made me even more sad. Everyday I was in a funk, I hated what I was becoming. And writing this blog meant my hand didn’t have to keep up with the thoughts rolling in and around my mind. My handwriting skills couldn’t keep up with the thoughts, but I am a pretty fast typer, so hence the blog.
So this morning’s thoughts directed me to a thought. Why does it bother me so that I am alone. I mean most of the time.. I’d say about 80% of the time I’m perfectly perfect by myself. 20% of the time I’m lonely, lonesome and hate being alone.
I don’t understand statistics lol But I use them.
I think it has to do with the people I’m surrounded by. My small town I grew up in, their thinking was if She (emphasis on she, he however, doesn’t matter the age) is still single by age of 25 there’s something completely wrong with her and the whole world is going to go into Apocalypse mode. They believe I am designed to have a boyfriend, have babies and be the housewife, and care for the whole family — including the inlaws, my family etc. I guess I grew up with my own ways of thinking *gasp* Don’t get me wrong. I think it’s cool if there are people out there that enjoy doing those things for their husbands/bf’s/family. I just couldn’t do it.
My thoughts are: I don’t want to be the caregiver of a whole family — his (whoever he may be) family and my family and our family. I think that I would be completely stressed, annoyed, pissed off and broken. I get pissed off when people don’t pull their weight. I mean I’m not the neatest person, but I do my thing, I clean up. And I just expect others to do the same, so we don’t have to be monotonously cleaning the same things over and over again. It has to be done, so everyone should do it. As for the whole have a bunch of babies thing… that scares the crap outta me. Honestly. There’s some days I think I would like to have a baby. However, I am scared to death. It is a lot of responsibility, to raise a child. I’m worried I’ll fuck that up. I’m probably the most insecure person you’ll ever meet, but you may not see it or know it, because I’m getting better and better at hiding it. BUT I’m not so great at hiding it from people I care about. And for sure I would care about this little kid that’s supposed to be my own. I would constantly worry that I’d fuck them up emotionally… Stunt them spiritually… or hurt them mentally. As for the other things. I would have a mental breakdown because babies… they cry to express things.. I wouldn’t know what they’d want! Are you crying because you’re hungry? sleepy? need a change? WHAT?!
Mental breakdown Marge
The other thing about having kids… In this area for sure, I’ve noticed a lot of single parents (mothers mostly) having to do it on their own. I think they’re so strong, and bad ass… I couldn’t do that personally… I’m not very strong, and I’m not very smart. I find them to be smart because they can handle this shit. Admittedly there are some break downs, after all they’re still human… despite being super 😉 I not only want I need to have someone there. I know, I know, a lot of people have told me they’d be there for me, to help me. please. They’re not going to be there in the middle of the night helping me figure out what this crying thing wants.
image from mchenrycountrymagazine.com
Anyways… back to my thought. for the most part I’m great at being alone. I sometimes wonder if I would even be a good gf? I mean every girl I am friends with who is in or has been in a relationship. They’re all cutesy to the point I’m like are you serious? I’m not cutesy at all. I have so much reservations about me, and how I do things. I am pretty sure I’d fail at being a gf. I mean maybe one day I’ll find someone who is okay with my social awkwardness, and self conscientiousness, I haven’t yet… and I have serious doubts there’s one patient enough out there. A guy who isn’t looking for easy sex. (Seriously, the amounts of guys that are looking for that is ridiculous! And scary). Or isn’t so into having the stepford housewife. (wrong wording I know lol but to me that’s what it feels like.)
I have my family riding me… My mom and dad, for awhile there, have been talking “how they’ll never have grandkids and will have to be okay with a grand-dog” But since my baby (A golden retriever, thee best goldie ever) has passed, they’re getting more desperate. My mother told me — you know, you don’t have to have a man to have babies– right… She says this just in passing. Like there was no weight to that sentence. I realize that I probably should’ve had babies, according to everyone in my towns standards… I’m an old spinster I guess.. being 32, no man, no prospects of a man, no babies. Just take me out back and shoot me now! It’s this social pressure of having to NEED someone in your life. I get a lot of comments of, oh.. if you just put make-up on and talk to people… do this and that. Kick me while I’m down. Not only am I socially awkward, I’m ugly too… awesome. TOO MUCH PRESSURE!
Then I have others who tell me, oh when you meet the right guy…. Okay I don’t want to be a Debbie downer… but what if… what if… I don’t find the “right guy”? There’s a great chance of that happening. That I will not have anyone in my life that will stay. I mean my Aunt doesn’t have anyone, no kids. Although she raised her nieces and nephews, great-nieces and great-nephews… There’s a bunch of ladies that don’t have a guy, a few with no kids. I could very well be one of those. It sounds almost heartbreaking to me.. and I don’t know why! I’m tearing up as I write this.
I’m going to end this post here… it’s definitely an unfinished thought. I don’t have clarity, I hope to one day.
My random thoughts 