Bruce Almighty
Let’s see… I really haven’t been posting much… Why? Because, well not much has been going on. Last entries I said I moved back in with my parent’s place. And now, I am currently unemployed. Lay off due to lack of funding. I was working for a non-profit organization and I kind of saw that coming sooner or later.. I kind of hoped for a little bit later lol but oh well.
As for dating… Well there’s none of that happening in my life. Well for
- I feel like a big loser, falling a couple steps backward right now. Living at home, no job… no prospects of a job. Although I am currently back at the place I was recently laid off from, doing some contractual work with the parent company.. mentoring some students…. basically doing power points for them. Which I find extremely weird because you would think they’d know how to make power points. Isn’t that like a requirement in high school? These are college students.
- Due to reason 1, I have some hate issues going on.. self-hate self-consciousness, insecurities.
- I always seem to attract weird people.
About the weird people. I had my friends try to set me up. 1 Friend wanted me to start writing to her boyfriend/fiance’s brother. He was currently in prison and looking for a lady “friend” (as my bff put it.) to write to. She says she wasn’t sure why he wanted to write to girls, blah blah blah. She’s a good friend… but either naive OR didn’t want to tell me the truth. She’s a bad liar, so I knew she was lying to me when she said she didn’t know what he was in for, and that it was probably nothing…. great. My other friend tried to set me up with this guy we both know. He works at the place I was recently laid off from. So I knew who he was. He didn’t like me, physically. I mean I am by no means a 10. I would say maybe a 6 on a good day… where I dress up like a girl lol. Anyways, this guy looked me up and down and had the worst look on his face when his eyes landed on my muffin top. Yeah i get it. I’m overweight. Whatevs. When I told her that he wasn’t interested in me… she simply stated “he’s shy.” I don’t think that’s the reason. I have also received a message from this guy on POF. He was also out of prison, and his tagline was he has a kid but baby momma wouldn’t let him see him. Big red flag there. I trust my instincts most of the time. So I didn’t respond. A day later lol he calls me a snob skank. Bullet dodged.
I recently heard from my ex FWB too. Asking ever so eloquently to “open up.” Wow. He also didn’t want to use any type of protection, and for me to go off birth control “for a few days” because “you can’t get pregnant being off b.c a few days.” riiiight….
RED FLAG! RED FLAG! RED FLAG!!
And because I’m probably the dumbest person alive. I started talking to my maybe ex, again. I even went so far as to take the 4 hour drive to Vancouver to see him. IDIOT. I don’t know why I keep letting him back in. And right on cue, I feel like a big time loser, because I keep talking to him and I am pretty sure he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. He doesn’t respond, doesn’t say much. I called him out on it a couple times. I sent him multiple texts last week, just a bunch of ramblings, and then saying basically I don’t think you’re reading these anyways, and maybe I should leave you alone. His response was “I’m sorry. Haven’t been replying to nobody. Battling depression :-\” So then obviously I feel sorry. Because I actually been through depression a few years ago, and every now and then I can get pretty bad. Although I’m not too sure if I can consider it to be depression, because it’s such a strong and heavy word to use. I had to go through pills, and I ended up getting a note to allow me to medically leave my job. It was a pretty bad time for me. And I can’t remember how long it lasted, and if I’m actually through it. ANYWAYS a week later. I’m sending him texts every now and then… not hearing back from him. So obviously I think history repeated itself (he ditched me without telling me, let me keep thinking we were together…) So I again sent him a straight up text: I’m going to be completely honest with you. A lot of the time I feel abandoned by you. I never know where I stand or what I am to you. And I never know what you’re thinking or if you’re looking or with someone. So a lot of the time I will bluntly ask and hope for the truth. Or usually I will decide to just leave you alone and try to stop talking because idk what’s going on. And I hate feeling this way. And I hate sounding like this.
His response: Going thru depression, I abandon myself, and everyone else.
My Response: Should I keep bugging you or should I leave you alone in the meantime.
him: bug me… I need it.
So now I’m pretty much texting a brick wall.
Texting a brick wall
I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel so guilty right now. Because on the 1 hand. What if he really is going through depression. I’ve been there. It’s hard, people deal with it differently. I don’t want to abandon him, make him feel alone. But on the other hand… What if it’s just an excuse. What if he’s just playing me, and really is in another relationship and just doesn’t have the balls to straight up tell me, and/or is selfish and just wants the whole world to want him.
It takes me back to this 1 guy I used to talk to. He lived in Arizona, and I was here in B.C. He kept threatening to kill himself or harm himself whenever I tried to stop talking to him (the phone bill itself was a hefty one.) It’s a scare tactic. This guy was one of the types to be abusive in a way to make the other person feel guilty. While he was also trying to work things out with his baby’s mama… and trying to make himself feel better by having me on the line as well. Eventually with my brother’s help, I did leave him alone. I am almost certain he is still alive and breathing. So maybe what my “maybe ex” is just using a type of scare tactic. And here I am still texting him, with no replies… like at all. IDIOT
My random thoughts 