Last night I had a hard time sleeping. So my mind started wandering. I started to have a fake conversation, in my head, with… for lack of a better term… my ex. How it went:
“Hey, how’s it goin?” Him
Me “I’m good, how are you?”
Him: “I’m great. Things are going well.”
me: “Yeah me too.”
Him: “So do you have a bf?”
“umm… yep, I sure do. He’s great.” (I don’t, not even in my imaginary thoughts.) “He’s great… you know someone who gets me, who understands my goals, you know … someone faithful, someone who doesn’t get flirtatious to the point where I begin to worry who they’re with while I’m not there… Someone who is patient with me, and understands what I went through… Someone the opposite of you.”
So I don’t know why I was thinking this. But honestly, I just kind of made myself sad thinking this weird fictitious conversation. Me having to lie to someone to tell them to stay away from me. This “ex” I was thinking about … It’s hard to explain him.
I met him while I was living in Vancouver. Again… online dating lol. It took me a long time to meet him in person. I think I started talking to him within a month of me moving there. I was there for approx. six months. I didn’t meet him until maybe 3 weeks before me moving back home??? I think??
The way he was talking to me, I pretty much felt like he was just looking for sex. I told him, that I wasn’t looking for that… And every time he would talk to me, and compliment me, I would have a counter for him. I would talk myself down, I would tell him “oh I’m not the type of girl you seem to like. I notice you flirting with a bunch of girls who are put together, those girl-girl types.” What I consider those girl-girl types are the ones who get up early, get ready — as in make-up, fix their hair, choose their outfits. Me I’m the type of person that rolls out of bed last minute, shower quickly… As long as my teeth, and hair are brushed.. no boogies showing… I’m good to go. No stains on my clothes… I’m very much a tomboy. I wear jeans, sneakers, t-shirts and hoodies. Nothing eye-catching really. But he was adamant of us meeting. So eventually I decided to meet him.
My reason behind meeting him, was 1. I liked the way he looked. 2. He seemed intrigued by my nerdiness, and the way I looked. That rarely happens. and 3. which is a longish story— Before meeting him, I met with this guy I had “known” for a long time. maybe 5 years. We met on yahoo… became facebook friends, and I was 28… Freaking out because I didn’t wanna hit 30 and still be a virgin. So to cut to the end. He was my first… I HATED it. I’m not saying he was bad, just that we didn’t go well together I guess. I was worried that I was going to be 1 of those people who didn’t like sex… And I thought to myself… Greaaaate. I’m already weird, but to add me not liking sex to the mix… Awesome 
… So my theory was, to tell this guy I was moving in 2 weeks (which was the truth.) and because I wanted to see if I was 1 of those girls who doesn’t like sex, or if maybe it was just me and that guy. Also, I was moving home. I wouldn’t have a chance with anyone there… believe me, there’s not many guys here who like me. Vancouver on the other hand, I guess they like nerdy girls? lol Maybe it’s a good change for them.
So 1 night I decided to meet him. I was super nervous, because I knew what was going to go down. He asked to meet me at 8, so I was walking down to the bus station.. It was a steep hill.. I would stop.. turn around. walk back up a little ways… Stop, walk back down. Finally I made it to the destination. I had to wait for him at the terminal for a little while. My heart was pounding, like you wouldn’t believe. Legs were pretty much jello. I thought, if he isn’t here in 15 mins, I’m walking away. Taking the bus back to my place. lol as soon as I said that… there he was. He gives me a hug, and says you look prettier than ever… or some variation of that. I was completely nervous, and barely spit out a few words. He was talking, and we were on the water taxi. Then the sky t
rain, bus to his place. He lived in his aunt’s house, the basement. I timidly looked around his place.. yadda yadda yadda … Then I stayed at his place. This was the first time I’ve ever slept at a guys place… now that I think about it.. so far the only time. I didn’t know what to do! lol Completely awkward newbie. He was cuddled in… and I didn’t want to move. I don’t sleep very easily. So it was a good 2 hours (I’m guessing) before I fell asleep. Not moving.. because he was just there… wrapped his leg and arms around me… then he had to get up early for work, so we both took the bus back downtown. He got off his stop, asked me to kiss him on the cheek, and left. I figured I’d never hear from him again.
I did hear from him, we talked more and more… He is the type of person that is so passionate, and just seems like he wanted to keep me around. He made me feel so special. Then I moved. We kept talking while I was home. I’d drive over to vancouver to see him maybe 1-2 times a month. It was great for me. I was crazy for him… maybe too crazy for him, head over heels. I’m not sure why though. We were from 2 different worlds. I grew up sheltered, basically in a bubble. I’m straight edge, I never drank a drop in my life before meeting him. I didn’t do drugs, I mean I didn’t know what marijuana smelled like before I was 22. I was and still am a complete nerd. I also grew up traditional. Whereas he drank, almost every time I was with him. I never knew if he was drunk or not… But he drank more than I’ve ever seen anyone drink. I guess that’s not saying much, because when people I knew drank, they wouldn’t do it around me. I’m not sure why that was… but it just is. He also may have dealt some drugs too.. to this day I’m not 100% sure. I found out when he drank the harder stuff, he was pretty mean, in the way he spoke to me. He would basically shame me for the way I lived my life… that I was so boring. He also leared at a lot of women, was possessive. He could flirt and check out all the women he wanted, but if he even thought I was talking to a guy he’d get completely jealous. Apparently he didn’t/doesn’t know me as well as I had hoped. I’m not a flirting type of person. I’m pretty stupid at it, nor do I go up to guys and just say hey. I swear if I were to do that, they act as if I’m saying something trivial. No matter how hard I would try to explain that to him, he wouldn’t accept it. He just thought I was hitting on everyone.
With, whatever that was, lasting a year… I found out he was living with someone in Vancouver. And whenever I would visit him there, he’d have a fight with her, and take off on her, or she would take off on him. I later found out I was at their place during Christmas. He asked me to stay the night there. Just before new year’s eve I picked him up at the same place.. he told me his “cousin” was in there drunk.. He wanted to just go for a drive. I’m guessing she was in there. After the holidays is when I did a little digging. I went crazy Facebook stalker. And I found her. My heart fell.. my stomach fell.. eyes flooded with tears (just as they are now, as I write this.) I confronted him. He told me yes, that he was with her. But “what was he supposed to do?” He had a son, I guess his aunt was selling her house, so he couldn’t stay there… “Was I supposed to live on the streets?” He told me “Yeah, she let me stay on her couch. Then things started up. I just had to survive.” Like that was supposed to make me feel better “You weren’t around, it was hard just seeing you maybe every other weekend. I got lonely.” HOLY FUCK… I didn’t say a word… He spoke…. made everything seem like my fault, or I wasn’t good enough. All I could think “I’M A FOOL. A BIG IDIOT. I should have known that he wouldn’t like me.”
I dropped from his world. A year later, I get a facebook message from him telling me he “missed me”. How could this be? Next thing I knew I was trying to keep him in my life… little did I know that they were back together, yet again. This happened a few times. This past year, same thing. He sent me a message telling me if he had another chance, he’d make things right. I honestly don’t know why he has such a hold on me. I guess it’s because he’s the first who seemed to want to take a chance on me… to be in a relationship. In my mind I know this isn’t true, that I was just played.
But my heart, just doesn’t seem to think that. So I keep going back to him. There’s a huge pull there, and I don’t know why. To this day I want to talk to him, see how he’s doing.. just say hi, just to know he’s doing okay. I know it’s not a good idea, and I’m trying not to. I know his cell number, and every now and then I think… I should see how he’s doing. I just hope I have the strength to stay away. So there’s the story of my maybe ex? lol I’m still not sure if I can consider him an ex.
My random thoughts 